I'd like some constructive criticism about this poem in particular. Especially title suggestions, and suggestions on what to do with the last stanza. I've been playing around with the last stanza for awhile and I'm not sure about what direction to go in. But any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The Ocean the Highway
The roar of traffic from the highway
a block away
is not the ocean waves
You are not swept away
The train pounding
down the track
is not a downpour
You are dry
The acceleration of
a heart and fall of a
tracks of tears
Is not heard
1 comment:
yeah. the last stanza feels a little off to me. maybe because the others are about how there isn't water, and YOU don't feel it. then the last one is about how there are tears but they aren't heard? i'm not sure about the heard part. though i guess sound was mentioned in the other stanzas. i dunno. the inclusion of tears made it a little to literal for me. what other sounds could you describe that would simultaneously give a sense of your location, establish the mood, and work with the water motif?
i really like the "you are dry" line. i feel like the title should come from that. or maybe the title should just be the name of the place you're writing from. or maybe it sort of was already? i'm not sure.
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