half way up the mountain my lungs broke
cut breaths were enough
the words came loose
and swung
neat and deep
the mountain laurel appeared
along the shore of the road
seeming to have crept there overnight
like ghosts drawn
from the woods
each pale cluster was an eye
the branches were still
but seemed to crane their necks
and say
what will happen
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1 comment:
Very pretty. I really liked the second stanza. I think that you should consider cutting the last two lines though. "seeming to have crept there overnight" is a strong enough image. I think you should think about elaborating on that image rather than making a simile.
I like the idea of how in the beginning the speaker's words "come loose" and in the end the branches actually seem to speak. I'm not sure what the significance is to the line "what will happen" though. But I really liked it. Especially "each pale cluster was an eye".
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